We’re back, after an extended absence. In November of 2022, Franklin’s mom was diagnosed with cancer, so he spant the next year flying back and forth between Portland and Florida to help his dad care for her. Toward the end of her life, she required round-the-clock care, so this podcast ended up being put on hold. She died last December.
We have several episodes nearly ready to go, so we’re trying to get back on track. In this episode, part 2 of our two-part series on pervertibles, we talk some more about repurposing normal, everyday items for sex.
Here’s the transcript:
Franklin: Welcome back to The Skeptical Pervert, where we take a rational, evidence-based look at sex! I’m your host, part-time mad scientist, spontaneous-libido representative, and token cishet guy, Franklin, coming to you from inside a blanket fort somewhere in Southwest Florida!
Joreth: I’m your kinky, sopo, grey-ace, chicana, feminist Renaissance cat cohost, Joreth! My gender identity is “tomboy”, and my pronouns are she/her but you may refer to me as “your eminence”.
Eunice: And I’m Eunice, your friendly neighborhood queer, kinky, gray-ace, sopo bi woman, bringing an East Asian British sense of decorum to this simultaneously filthy and ridiculous podcast.
Franklin: Today we’re finishing up the conversation about pervertibles! If you’re really lucky, we may explore the opposite of pervertibles, using sex toys for prosaic purposes, as well.
Joreth: Because of course we couldn’t fit a conversation about taking mundane objects and using them for sex and kink into a single episode.
Eunice: To be fair, we can be rambly at the best of times. Including during our sex. Who amongst us hasn’t gotten distracted by a discussion on literary genres or similar geeky pursuits whilst in the middle of a kinky night of sex?
Joreth: Nobody here! What even is sex without a discussion of astrophysics? Doesn’t that happen so often that EVERYBODY’S nickname for orgies is stellar nucleosynthesis?
Eunice: How else is one supposed to see stars without that knowledge-slash-discussion?
Franklin: Without further ado, let’s dive right in then and pick up where we left off.
Eunice: That’s optimistic of you, but sure.
Joreth: So one of the last things that we were talking about in the previous episode was when I tried waxing for the first time and I used a cooling scrub and I ended up with all sorts of interesting sensations because of that. So that actually makes me think, because I tried waxing, I know I’m late to the game, I tried it for the first time, and while I’m laying there on the table, I couldn’t help but think, this is totally a D/s pain scene.
This is completely something that I would see in a dungeon, because she’s doing everything that a good Dom who is hurting her sub in the right way ought to be doing. So why can’t waxing be part of kink play?
Because, I mean, think about it. I’m lying there on the table, right? And there’s a lot of prep involved. And then she’s she’s got me all ready. And then she pours hot wax on where the hair is and she’s talking to distract me, and then she gets me ready. Are you ready? And then YANK! And, like, the worst pain I’ve ever felt happens in that moment. And she very quickly puts pressure on the area. It’s like, “Oh, I know. I know, sweetie. It hurts. Alright, OK, one more time. Ready?”
And then she does it again! And again! And, like it was total, I felt like I was in the middle of a kink scene and having all of these inappropriate thoughts, and I’m like, this…I need to find some of them in a relationship with to do this because this is awkward.
Eunice: I feel like that would be a really good start of a whole medical scene, right?
Joreth: Yeah!
Eunice: Getting rid of the hair, in order to do quote unquote “surgery.” Like, I definitely have needles and everything you need to suture someone, right. Like I definitely have that.
Franklin: First, though, before you start, you have to do the examination. And of course, the examination is probably going to be extremely uncomfortable and invasive.
Eunice: I mean, clearly this is just where it starts! So I am reminded of the fact that I need to have another cervical smear examination thing coming up soon because my previous one three months ago was quote unquote “inconclusive.”” So now they will need to…the first time I ever had it done, I refer to it as “they shoved a spatula up me and stirred my eggs.”
Franklin: Wow.
Joreth: Sounds about right.
Franklin: I like that idea of “inconclusive,” though. Like I totally now have this mad scientist scene in my head where you do this, like, extremely invasive and humiliating examination. And then at the end of it, you tell the subject, “I’m sorry, the results were inconclusive.”
Eunice: I mean, it’s definitely, like medical play is definitely a thing. And even though for most people, medical equipment is not in itself a pervertible, it definitely is for the likes of us, to the point where sometimes I forget that people actually use things like, you know, needles for not-kinky purposes.
I mean, I definitely have a set of needles and at one point I believe someone mentioned that they, like, they were all doing a whole bunch of needles off a medical supplier. And I do recommend for anyone who regularly does needle play or, you know, suturing or anything like that as part of their kink scene, get it directly from medical suppliers. It is way cheaper, way more convenient. They are set up to supply you with, you know, your needles in packs of 500 at once. It’s so much easier than trying to go through, like, kink websites and then being charged like a 200% markup, right?
But yeah, to get to the point I was saying: at one point they were ordering all of these needles for play from their usual medical supplier and I don’t know what it was that time about the combination of items, but they were asked to confirm that this was actually for medical purposes. Not even a pause, not even hesitation, they said, absolutely.
Joreth: I’m like, wow.
Franklin: Oh man, I wonder if somebody has do”ne, like, AI programming for that. Like, can you imagine being the AI researcher who’s written the code for that website? OK OK, here’s the problem. We need an AI machine learning system that can differentiate between orders on medical websites for legitimate medical purposes, and orders on medical websites by those filthy, filthy kinksters.””
Eunice: Look, it is not difficult. If you looked at my cart that time, it was 500 needles, a bunch of, like, those wipes, the antiseptic wipes, a huge amount of condoms, way more condoms than anyone should ever need, and a whole bunch of latex gloves.
Franklin: OK. OK. Yeah, that…
Eunice: That’s pretty clear, right?
Franklin: Yeah, that is definitely not an edge case.
Eunice: No. Fortunately, they did not ask me. I have never had this issue. I have ordered it from medical suppliers many, many times. It’s great, and yeah, needles is a fantastic kink tool, but probably not for the beginner, I would say. Very, very much so. Do some research, go to workshops. Ask people to specifically teach you. You do not want to just be like trying this out.
So a lot of the others you can just, you know, get a thing from your kitchen or whatever. And just, like, play around a little bit and try stuff out, you know.
Franklin: Wooden spoon. Wooden spoon is a good one.
Eunice: Yeah, exactly, like, that’s practically traditional. If you are getting a wooden spoon and doing a bit of swatting in the backside, you will probably be fine. You are fairly unlikely to hit anything that’s gonna cause damage. And if you are, you are probably hitting too hard to begin with.
Joreth: Yeah.
Eunice: Needles, no. You absolutely should not in any in any situation start with that.
Joreth: No. But waxing, beginners can do if they’re careful, and if they watch a lot of YouTube videos first.
Eunice: Mmm-hmm.
Joreth: I recommend actually going and getting it done professionally so that you see or feel what it’s like. And then, once you know what it’s supposed to be like, there are a billion waxing kits online that you can try. Bring them home. You know, the wax doesn’t heat up really to the point of injury, so that should be fine.
Speculums, which you know are also not meant for this play, but very much could be. And the doctors often used, especially before LEDs, they often use little mini flashlights, high beam flashlights, that are very warm. So if you want to do medical play, speculum and a hot flashlight adds a whole, a degree of realism and sensation for the temperature play to it.
Eunice: And I can recommend—that’s totally sounded like I had more personal experience with this than I was intending to imply, but anyway—absolutely recommend if you have a situation where you can have a very bright overhead light—
Joreth: Yeah.
Eunice: And no other lights in the room and it’s dark, that also can add to the effect.
Franklin: And speaking of getting things from non-kinky suppliers super cheap… Oh my God, I just discovered a thing, completely by accident, that I didn’t know.
So there are people who are complete exercise fanatics, and they get these, like, home exercise weight sets and these, you know, CrossFit trainers and all these machines, right? And apparently—I know fuckall about how those machines work, but apparently there’s some kind of machine. That has a cable attached to either weights or some kind of spring or a resistance band or something. But you put a cuff around your ankles and you put cuffs around your wrists and you connect them to these cables, and then you do, like, kicks and pulls and stuff.
Eunice: Yep.
Franklin These cuffs are amazing. They’re padded. They’re leather. They’re super, super comfortable. They are way more secure than anything that I have ever seen in any kink shop. And they’re like 19 bucks.
Joreth: Exercise equipment.
Franklin: And you can find them on Amazon! Yes, exercise cuffs. They are freaking awesome. They’re so comfortable. And, like, they are way, way better built than any kink cuffs that I have ever seen, including custom-made ones.
Joreth: Huh.
Eunice: Mm, interesting.
Franklin: Yeah. And I did, I left a review on Amazon, and I was like, “I’m reviewing these cuffs, and I’m sure that they’re really, really good for exercise, and they’re really well made and they’re quite comfortable. And I would not want to suggest that people might use them for things other than exercise. But if you were to find a use other than exercise, they would be perfect for it.
Eunice: Not suggesting anything, but I’m totally suggesting a thing.
Franklin: Yeah, they’re awesome. And they’re so cheap. Oh, my God.
Eunice: Hmm, but this is the thing, right? Often things are way cheaper, like, if you get something and turn it into a pervertible, than if you actually buy the thing through kink websites or, you know that sort of supplier, because kink is still considered like a luxury hobby.
Joreth: Mm-hmm.
Eunice: It’s a thing you do that is for fun and, you know, it’s not anything that’s like a necessity. Whereas if you are literally using certain things for exercise equipment, medical equipment, it’s much more everyday. Like, people can see a reason why you might use it for quite important reasons for you know your everyday life. But, like, really good sex. Really good sex is also fairly important to a lot of people.
Joreth: Yeah.
Franklin: Yeah, I was actually just talking last night to the owner of a sex toy shop, specifically about, like, the Xenomorph hiphugger and stuff like that. And she was like, yeah, our wholesale costs are, you know, you gotta get the wholesale price down to about 30% of what the retail price is. And that’s not even the distributor markup or anything like that. That’s just the sex toy shop markup. And I was like, wow, you know, that’s like pretty high for retail. And she was like, oh, yeah, our overhead is, you know, crazy.
Joreth: Mm-hmm. I have a partner who is a small business owner who owns a retail shop. So we talked about markup all the time. In fact, I’ll. Be making some products for his store. And so he keeps asking me what my wholesale price is for things. I’m like, I don’t do wholesale. I tell you what I need to make. If you think you can sell it for above that to make a profit, then great. But that’s not my problem.
Franklin: Mm-hmm. Yeah, it’s a bit bonkers. So you look at all the markups and you’re like, oh, wow, I just got these cuffs from this kink store. They’re custom made, and they’re like, $299. And I have this vision of the person who hand-made them getting like, you know, $14.00.
Joreth: Yup.
Eunice: Capitalism, man. I mean, this is what stuff like, places like Etsy and so forth were supposed to help with, and these days it definitely doesn’t.
Joreth: No.
Franklin: Well, Etsy, it seems to me these days it’s basically just “I get a bunch of Chinese grey market imports and re-sell them.”
Joreth: That’s because Etsy is doing terrible things to its sellers, but that is a whole other conversation.
Franklin: Mm, I did not know that.
Eunice: Let’s once again try to return to the actual topic, because we are again getting off on a tangent. What was the last thing we mentioned?
Joreth: Well, we were talking about medical play and, like, using actual medical equipment because they can mass produce it and it’s high quality. Whereas the sex toy stuff is often in much smaller quantities. But that’s why we’re doing the whole episode on pervertibles in the first place. How can you get less expensive, easy to find items? So another thing from medical play is you could use a turkey baster for impregnation scenes. All the positive scenes for fertility scenes because it’s not really, you’re not really trying to have a baby. You can use your kitchen turkey baster instead of going to a medical grade facility.
Eunice: Wash everything thoroughly! I know most people who will listen to this podcast will not this, but just in case, wash everything very, very, very thoroughly.
Joreth: Yes.
Franklin: You know that’s a whole range of kink that honestly had never occurred to me. Like I can just…I have this vision in my head now of somebody in, like, I don’t know, a lab jacket and gloves, holding up a turkey baster and saying, “come into the Ejacutorium for your treatment, young lady.”
Eunice: You’re telling me, Mr. “I spent however many months it is creating an ovipositor,” that you hadn’t thought of impregnation play?
Franklin: Not with a turkey baster! My impregnation play thoughts are always going to things like, you know, I don’t know, space aliens with long, fleshy ovipositors that, like, wiggle and throb and pulse and Jesus God, now I need some brain bleach again.
Joreth: I’m just going to point out that you are the one who went there. Here we’re talking turkey basters. You went to the tentacle ovipositor.
Eunice: You keep doing this to yourself.
Franklin: Yes, of course I do.
Eunice: You keep doing it.
Franklin: I do keep doing this to myself. I have nobody to blame except the two of you.
Eunice: I don’t think that’s how it works. No. I think…votes for Franklin definitely did this to himself?
Joreth: Aye.
Eunice: Aye. Yeah, you’re outvoted, Franklin.
Joreth: Yes.
Franklin: I don’t think that’s how voting works.
Eunice: Two votes to one. You lose. That’s how voting works. Welcome to democracy!
Franklin: Yeah.
Joreth: So a turkey baster, though, is the joke, right? Every time somebody is having fertility treatments, they joke about using the turkey baster. So if you’re just doing a role-playing scene, there you go.
Eunice: Mm-hmm.
Joreth: Turkey basters.
Franklin: OK, I can see that, sure.
Eunice: Yeah. Like that’s practically a traditional one. Like, that is that is a really, really well known one.
Joreth: Yeah! And any number of other kitchen utensils.
Eunice: I mean, we mentioned the obvious, you know, impact play ones: wooden spoons and spatulas and that sort of thing. What other kitchen utensils have you tried or have you sort of seen used?
Franklin: Ooh, um, skewers! That meat skewers that you used to make kebabs and things like that. Oh, so much fun. So much fun.
Joreth: Yes, you can use them individually, or you can…I can’t do this unless I get child gloves, but if you get rubber, or latex, or whatever material you’re comfortable using, gloves that fit you really well, you can put the skewers inside the gloves and poke them out through the tips.
Eunice: Mm-hmm. And they create something akin to, like, vampire gloves.
Franklin: But really long
Eunice: Yeah.
Franklin: I have done that. That is so much fun.
Eunice: So there’s a number of items that I’m fairly certain were created by people who had absolutely no idea. There are things like lemon juicers and that sort of thing. Fairly certain that that’s not what they they’re intended for, but I just look at them and I go, “Just need to add a slightly slightly more flared of a base. I have created a sex toy. Like barely need to tweak it at all. Like it’s very I would say if you are looking at items in your kitchen for insertables, flared base.
Joreth: Yeah.
Eunice: Be sure to check for safety. Also, yes, I know there are glass dildos out there. The glass that your kitchen utensils are made from are not the same glass. Do not.
Joreth: No.
Eunice: Do not do that. That is a bad idea. Glass utensils in the kitchen, stay away from them for pervertible reasons.
Joreth: Yeah. Even if it’s Pyrex. Better safe than sorry.
Eunice: Yep. Chopsticks! Chopsticks. Rubber bands together.
Franklin: Excellent, excellent nipple clamps.
Eunice: Create really good—yeah. Create really good nipple clamps. Especially like if you can find a pair of chopsticks that’s long enough. And I know they’re out there. And you can do, like, both nipples at the same time and use that as a clamp so you can actually hook something to the middle.
Joreth: Mm-hmm.
Eunice: And you can use that as a kind of…you can hook chains and whatever to the middle between the two nipples. Use that to kind of pull on them or attach it to an anchor point or whatever. Those are really good for things like predicament play.
Joreth: Oh!
Franklin: You know you said two that are long enough, and my brain immediately went to “and then you have two people standing side by side, and you clip them together with…you know. Maybe that’s just the way my brain works, I don’t know.
Joreth: The bamboo skewers are also long enough to do that, but if you were looking for what’s appropriate to attach to them…fishing weights!
Eunice: Oh, yes! Yeah.
Franklin: Sinker weights.
Eunice: So I have…I still have no idea why this happened, but there was a period for a few months where just random items were turning up at my door and I tried to find out why, I tried to return them, I tried to figure out what was going on. No idea. They came in perfectly reasonable Amazon boxes with my actual name and the correct name and correct address on them, and I opened them up, and they were clearly things I had I had not ordered. I don’t even drink alcohol, so I clearly couldn’t even have drunk ordered them on Amazon, right? Which other people do. And one of them, I opened them up and it was a set of fishing weights. Like all genuine for fishing. And then I opened them up, and I realized, no, they were not fishing weights. They were for when you needed to fish stuff out of water that’s magnetic.
Joreth: Ohh!
Eunice: So I have now a bunch of really strong magnets.
Franklin: Oh, cool!
Eunice: With hooks on the top.
Franklin: Ooh, that sounds interesting.
Joreth: That could be.
Franklin: Oh man.
Joreth: Yeah, that could dangerous in a fun way. Like you’re talking about magnets and also hooks. Other sharp things are very easily accessible, like thumbtacks that are not terribly dangerous because they’re very short, but you you will feel them.
Franklin: Mmm-hmm.
Eunice: Lego.
Franklin: Oh God, Eunice, you’re evil.
Eunice: Scatter like a whole pile of Lego and you have to get to the other end.
Franklin: Nobody is that sadistic.
Joreth: Don’t.
Eunice: I feel like this is a challenge.
Franklin: Surely not even you are that sadistic.
Eunice: Is this a challenge I’m hearing?
Franklin: Oh my God.
Joreth: I don’t know how often we have to have this conversation about speaking to the Fey, because, I mean, we’re not the only two of your partners.
Franklin: You know, I have got to say that that sounds like bad pain to me.
Joreth: I’m just saying that has never stopped any of your other partners.
Franklin: Oh, I need to be much more cautious about what I say, yes.
Eunice: We have said this again and again! We at least give you reminders and warnings. Just imagine how much worse it could be if, for example, you have a Bunny who—sorry, partner. Not only wasn’t thinking of anyone in particular.
Joreth: No, me either.
Eunice Nope, no—who would be happy to just take you at your word?
Franklin: Mmm, yeah.
Joreth: When you say nobody could be that sadistic…
Franklin: That is…Lego are bad pain man. That’s like the that’s…ew, ow.
Joreth: I’m. I’m just saying that Eunice and I are not even the worst at this.
Franklin: Yeah, I know, I know. And that’s kind of terrifying, you know, given who you are.
Eunice: You have a type. That’s all I’m saying. You have a type.
Franklin: I do. I have a type and my type is evil.
Eunice: No comment.
Franklin: But, moving right along, moving right along.
Eunice: Before we try to remember this, this suggestion, huh?
Franklin: And speaking of suggestions, Joreth actually has quite a story at a BDSM conference we were at.
Joreth: Ohh, right! So I am really into paracord rescue bracelets. I’m sure the listeners have seen these before. They’re usually like founding survival gear, camping gear, Army/Navy gear, and it’s paracord. It’s just a particularly useful, high tensile strength cord. I think it’s called paracord because it’s originally supposed to be used in parachutes, I don’t remember. There was some justification, and I don’t know if it is still the same material as the original. But it’s a very thin, very useful emergency rope that can be tied up in interesting ways that make a long string and you can wear it as a bracelet. That’s how it’s usually sold. I love paracord bracelets. I make them, and that’s important. You have to learn how to tie the knot yourself because they can be untied and reused in kink scenes, as we discovered.
So one year, somehow Franklin and I—who were both rope tops. I will add—both of us managed to attend a kink convention and neither one of us brought any rope with us.
Eunice: Which is valid, yep, totally valid.
Franklin: True fact.
Joreth: We went to this kink convention and one of the breakout rooms, one of the panels was about…I think it was cock and ball torture, and mostly bondage for cock and balls specifically. And that was of interest to me. Not so much to Franklin, but very much interest to me.
So we went and I found some useful tips and tricks, and we went back to the room and we didn’t have any rope and I wanted to practice. So I looked everywhere, and then realized that I’m wearing a paracord armband, as I always do, which gave me—what was it, like, 30-40 feet of rope. All nicely condensed into a bracelet size. So I got to use the paracord rope to try tying…and because it’s nice and thin, much better actually than a lot of the kink rope that you’ll get, ’cause most of the kink rope is sized for bodies. This is very thin rope, which is much better proportions for penises.
So I tried a whole bunch of of the ties that I learned. I got to practice on Franklin, and one of the things that we discovered is I have come up with a quick release tie meant for the bracelet. The ones you get in the store are not quick-release, you have to unweave it to use the rope. I’ve come up with the quick release one, which is once you get the knot at the bottom undone, you have two ends. And if you just pull the two ends and you yank them it unzips the whole bracelet. So I wove that knot around Franklin’s penis and then unzipped it.
Franklin: Yes, yes, she did. This was a thing that happened.
Joreth: So, paracord bracelets! Highly recommend that you have an emergency paracord for those emergency cock and ball torture needs.
Eunice: Yes, I have a purple power cord choker necklace made, that has those, like, little, you know, where they clip into each other.
Joreth: Yep!
Eunice: I have one of those that I made. I’m gonna have to refresh on how to re-tie it, because it’s been a while since you last taught me. That was like, how many years ago?
Franklin: That was years ago.
Eunice: That was years ago.
Joreth: That was Squiggle Wedding Con. So that was like, what, five years?
Eunice: Five or six years ago, yeah. And I haven’t done it in the last couple of years, so I’ll have to, like, refresh on how to do it. But yeah. That is plenty. That’s a lot of paracord. And it’s a nice little collar that sits around the neck and. Yeah, and it just grips quite nicely.
Franklin: There is something to be said for the idea of jewelry that somehow unfolds or unties or unweaves into, like, emergency genitorture equipment or, you know, emergency restraints, for those times when you’re out and about and you need to tie somebody up and torture them, and you just don’t..you know, you don’t have your dungeon handy.
Eunice: Yep. You don’t have your dungeon handy. You realise that I carry around what I call my “little bag of everything,” that does have clips that are appropriate for nipple clamps, and it has, you know, various bits and pieces. I don’t have paracord in there. I really should. I say I really should, I have so much stuff in there already.
Franklin: Emergency torture dungeon that you can just carry with you all the time.
Joreth: Yeah! With the paracord bracelets, I wear them. That is part of my regular fashion. And Bunny has nifty little earrings. I’m pretty sure one of her earrings is a knife.
Eunice: Yeah, one of her earrings is a knife. She has a USB on another one, like a USB…
Joreth: Thumb drive.
Eunice: Yeah, thumb drive. She has a fire starter on another one, I believe.
Joreth: Oh, my paracord, on them, the clip has a fire starter on it.
Franklin: Of course it does.
Eunice: Yeah. So there’s a whole bunch…but now we’ve gone straight into, like, survival, survival prepping.
Joreth: You know what, though? The survival prepping and kink play is such an overlapping Venn diagram that it’s practically the same circle.
Eunice: You know, someone mentioned to me once the most hilarious thought that you know, in all of these post-apocalyptic movies, you know Mad Max and stuff, you get all of these, like, biker gangs wearing huge amounts of black leather and spiky things. It’s like, no, no, no, those aren’t really biker gangs. They’re all the kink dungeons that, like happen to be, you know, “oh, okay, I’m gonna grab my kink wear because all of my kink stuff is also great for survival prepping.”
Joreth: Yep!
Eunice: So actually, like, they’re the people you need to talk to and hang out with, because kinksters typically are pretty good at forming community. And in a post apocalyptic situation, community is actually what you need to survive, right? If you’ve gotten to the point where everybody is shooting everyone else in order to like, have their own personal stuff, you are not gonna survive. Like I don’t know how to tell you this, but community is how humans survive. You cannot survive without that.
Franklin: Yeah, everybody’s always like “ohh yeah, survival of the fittest. When civilization falls, I’m going to be the fittest.” No, actually, you aren’t. The fittest is not the strongest in a social species. The fittest is the most empathic and the best able to get on with other people.
Joreth: Yes. And in the kinksters, you’re going to find the people who know how to form tight knit communities. You’re going to find the firemen and the EMT’s because they’re all freaking kinky. And they their their paramedics bags with them everywhere. You’re gonna find, you know, the military guys. You’re gonna find the riggers. Hello. Like me. You know, all of these super-useful skills for survival, because this is what this episode is about, because we do it for fun.
Eunice: Like half the people in the kink scene. Even when they don’t, actually, you know, if they’re not actually a doctor, if they’re not actually an EMT, they’re not actually a fireman in their daily life, half of us know first aid anyway, because you would always want at least one person, preferably two or three, at any kink event who knows first aid. In case, you know, someone starts going into shock a bit or someone you know, has some sort of incident, or especially if it’s a place that allows you to do blood play or any kind or knives or needles or anything that sort. You will have a first aider there. Great in a post-apocalyptic situation.
Joreth: Yes. We tend to keep up with our medical certifications even if we’re not an actual doctor or paramedic. Like my first aid and CPR’s are often kept up to date. You know, you’re gonna know, like I said, the firemen and you know who can both build and safely put out fires. You’re going to have all of that equipment.
Franklin: And they’re all going to carry duct tape.
Joreth: We’re all going to have duct tape, or gaff tape if you work in the entertainment industry.
Franklin: And there is like a whole kink scene right there by itself.
Joreth: Just with duct tape.
Eunice: Yeah, yeah, I…this was not for a kinky scene, but I do remember a friend duct taping someone to the hood of his car.
Franklin: As one does.
Eunice: I’m not saying this was a good idea. I’m just saying you can absolutely duct tape someone to a surface and now suddenly they are spread out on the surface and unable to move.
Franklin: Hmm. I am sure that I don’t have any idea what you might be referring to, and I absolutely have no experience with anything like that. So I just want to make that clear to you and all of our listeners that I have no idea what you’re on about.
Joreth: Yep, Yep.
Franklin: But yes, like you know, duct tape, like duct tape is so useful you can actually play games like dressmaking or kink scenes.
Joreth: That’s true. I mean, I do have a full high collar floor length, duct tape, trench coat.
Eunice: And, I mean, things like creating certain types of outfits can also be part of kink scenes, right? How many people create leather or latex or other like PVC or other forms of outfit as part of their kink enjoyment, as part of what they do for kink. You know, I know people who definitely learn how to sew leather outfits together because that’s where they started.
Joreth: Yeah. The dress-up is part of some people’s play. Like the dress-up is often the point, and even more often it’s an accessory to the scene. It makes the scene more feel more real or brings you into the scene when you have the tactile sensation of the dressing up. And duct tape makes really good temporary clothing, just like liquid latex.
Franklin: Liquid latex is fun.
Eunice: Different fabrics in general are really great to play with, and I mean, I know this is like a cliche from centuries at this point, but everyone knows about the whole “on the rug” or whatever. You know for a blanket or whatever. And how those sensations could add to the experience. That tactile sensation of fur against your skin or other types of materials.
Joreth: Yeah. And that’s the thing, a lot of people who are not familiar with kinks seem to think that kink is nothing but pain. But those soft sensations are really an important part also. Either going back and forth between them, because confusing the synapses is all sorts of fun, or just going for the soft stuff. Like some people have the nurturing, the caretaking, the wanna be cared for kink. There’s littles, plushies, and stuffies you know in soft blankets. And sometimes you just want to be cared for, and the soft materials and the warm materials are really good for that.
Franklin: And then sometimes, you know, you want to—I hear—you want an alien to just sort of cuddle up to you and wrap its ovipositor. Or maybe, you know, that’s just us.
Eunice: That’s just you, specifically.
Joreth: I’m just saying that tentacles give good hugs.
Eunice: They’re very, very, very experienced in firm constriction.
Franklin: Tentacles and face huggers. Free hugs.
Eunice: They will very happily come and hug your face or any other orifice.
Franklin: Jesus. Oh my God.
Joreth: So then we have plushies and fur and tentacles all in one play.
Franklin: And now I actually am envisioning a really soft fuzzy plushy with, like, all of these, you know, rubbery tentacles, just sort of spreading out from underneath it.
Joreth: I definitely want a super soft microfiber lightweight…that polyester really soft fur. I definitely want a plushy face hugger now.
Eunice: Ooh, yeah.
Franklin: Oh, my God. That sounds horrifying.
Eunice: I would be surprised if no one had created one before. Surely, like if you could. There’s places that create those like plushy bacteria or viruses. If that exists, then surely, surely a plushy facehugger must exist somewhere.
Joreth: I feel like I’ve seen…
Franklin: Yes! Yes, they do exist. I just looked it up on Google and in fact they are a thing. There are life sized, plushie face huggers, because of course there are, because that’s the world we live in.
Joreth: Yeah, I was pretty sure I’d seen one somewhere, but not having felt them,. I don’t know if they’re the super-soft…you know, the kind of soft that you almost can’t feel, it’s so lightweight. I just love that tactile sensation.
Eunice: What I would want is not life-size but like four big human-sized ones, so you can lie down on top of it, yeah.
Franklin: Your face hugger. Oh my God. Oh my God.
Joreth: A face hugger body pillow.
Franklin: There’s an image that will. Ohh Jesus, no, guys, guys. Oh my God. Ohh, that sounds awful.
Joreth: And it can wrap all of its six claws at six or eight. I don’t even know how many they have, but it can wrap all of them around you!
Franklin: Eight. They have eight. Because of course they do.
Joreth: You can just lie on its belly and have it wrap its legs around you.
Franklin: And tail! And tail!
Eunice: You know what? I just had this sudden image of, like, a really big one, that’s all you know, plushie, that you lie someone down on its belly, and then you have, like, cuffs that clip the limbs to your wrists and your ankles, to specific limbs, and you have, like, a little collar that clips to the end of its tail. And you can, you know, leave them spread out.
Franklin: And then you get the turkey baster.
Eunice: Please, let’s not mix genres! Ovipositors.
Joreth: Zip ties! Speaking of clipping to things, zip ties. I don’t remember if we mentioned that in the last one or not, but they make good restraints. Just definitely, definitely, definitely have a paramedics pair of scissors.
Franklin: EMT scissors.
Joreth: Thank you. The EMT scissors.
Franklin: Yes. Good thing to have in your kit.
Eunice: Yeah, yeah, I remember one time being at a little vote party. Like half a dozen of us, not really, you know, very many. And you know, just for, like fun trying out different rope things and sort of, you know, I can’t remember who it was who commented, but like, OK, so safety. I’ve got some safety shears here! And we turned around, and there’s like 4 pairs in the room.
Joreth: Yep!
Eunice: Riggers will be careful with these things because you know, the kinksters are the people that you need to know for the safety stuff.
Joreth: Exactly! So, yeah, I have EMT scissors, but also kitchen shears. So the EMT scissors are mandatory because they have a flat bottom, and this allows you to slip the scissors between something and human skin with less—it’s not comfortable, it’s still uncomfortable, but much less chance of actually slicing open the skin when you’re trying to get the blade in between something that’s on too tightly. So you have to have the pair of EMT scissors. But then I also have a pair of kitchen shears, and this you do not want to skimp out on. You want the kitchen shears that are designed to cut through the joints of bones and animals. That’s that’s what kitchen shears are for, when you’re trying to separate, you know, the the legs from a turkey or whatever. You can pull it and mangle it, or you can use a heavy duty pair of kitchen shears that will cut through bone. I have that in my pack for emergencies because you might need to cut through something super heavy duty, like leather. If it’s good, reinforced leather that’s going to be really hard to get through. So you want a cutting implement that is designed for that purpose.
Eunice: Yeah. And I think that that’s something that is really important to a lot of people. Like, pervertibles are great, and it’s really, you know, it’s really fun to be able to just get items and try them out and, you know, play around with them. But I think it is important to remember that sometimes certain types of sex toys are created the way they’re created because of safety reasons, right?
Joreth: Mm-hmm.
Eunice: You need the flared based on your plugs. And you need certain types of materials, like the body safe silicones and things like that. You know, food grade is not going to necessarily be sufficient in some cases, but there’s certain things that are different that you have to consider with pervertibles. External use, you’re a lot more likely to be able to get away with pervertibles. Internal use, you have to be like super careful.
Joreth: Yeah.
Franklin: Mm-hmm.
Joreth: I have…so, you know, the zip ties and we’re talking about the exercise cuffs, and like, those are all well and great. But when I do suspension, I use my suspension cuffs. And the reason for that is because they have this nifty little quick release thing that uses gravity. So the point is, like, if I’m up there, and I pass out or whatever and I’m hanging, you need to get me down yesterday. You don’t have to lift my dead weight up in the air to relieve tension in order to unhook whatever it is I’m hooked to. What you do is there’s this little metal ring that you pulled down on it. It releases the whole clip and the body falls.
Franklin: Mm-hmm. And those, you know, speaking of, like, getting stuff cheaper than at kink shops, I’ve seen the quick releases at kink shops and they’re always four or five times more expensive than they are if you just go to a mountain climbing shop or you go to Amazon and you look them up there.
Joreth: Yeah.
Franklin: Like, the the markup on them at kink shops is ridiculous.
Joreth: Yes, it is. But these clips are built into the cuff. It’s not a separate hook. So yeah, you can definitely go to a climbing shop. If you have regular cuffs or whatever, and then you just hook your cuff to a quick release something or other, then use the quick release to hook to whatever you’re hanging someone from. So that is a pervertible. You can use mountain climbing gear. But pay the extra money for the safety, even if that means going to a mountain climbing place rather than using the 19-dollar exercise cuffs to hang somebody from.
Eunice: Yeah.
Franklin: Yeah, you definitely only want to do suspension with cuffs with…either specifically designed cuffs or with mountain gear.
Eunice: Yeah, the…
Joreth: Carabiners?
Eunice: Carabiners! That’s the word I was looking for. Yeah. The carabiners. You absolutely need to check the weight it will will carry, because it is very easy to find a lot of very cheap lightweight ones out there.
Joreth: Yeah.
Eunice: And you cannot rely on those if you are hooking somebody up. At the very least, it has to be something where you can hang multiple people off of it.
Joreth: Yeah, use rated carabiners.
Franklin: Yeah, they make carabiners that like people use for, you know, keyrings and stuff like that. And they’re not weight rated at all. And they will deform under pressure and you absolutely, positively do not want to use those for bondage or for suspension.
Joreth: Yeah, Even going to the hardware store, check the rating. Just use rated gear.
Eunice: Yeah.
Franklin: If it doesn’t have a weight rating engraved on the carabiner, don’t use it for kink.
Eunice: Yeah, right. Yeah.
Joreth: Now, going back to the climbing stuff, I know some people are concerned they want to get into suspension, but they might have health problems or they might have flexibility issues. Or maybe they even have a circulation problem. Whatever, they have a reason where suspension might be difficult, challenging or impossible, but you could go to a climbing store and get climbing harnesses. And maybe it doesn’t have quite the same aesthetic look as a pure shabari suspension rig. But put yourself in a climbing harness that, you know, a rapelling harness that’s meant to hold your weight. Hook that up, and then do the rope work around it for the aesthetic purposes.
Eunice: Yeah, we have a whole bunch of additional things that we came up with that are mostly, like, stuff that you find at home very easily, most people. So should we just do a very quick run of, so for example, hair brushes? Traditional. Use that for a nice good wack, yeah, but also the bristly side can also be fun to play with.
Joreth: Yeah, yeah, and different hair brushes have different bristles, so completely different sensations. You have the stiff, really thin wire ones. You have the nice plastic ones with the beads at the end, which actually feel really nice, you know, if you do it softly. You have the the super soft ones meant for kids all different kinds of sensations.
Eunice: Yep.
Franklin: Blindfold somebody and then get a whole collection of them and run them over, you know, the person’s body and create a whole tapestry of sensation.
Joreth: Yeah, yeah.
Eunice: Another one I was thinking: scarves.
Joreth: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Franklin: Good blindfolds.
Eunice: Good blindfolds. You can also use them to, actually, if you’re careful, sort of bind someone with. You don’t want to necessarily have it in a position where you’re pulling on them, because they’re not designed for that. Either it will break, or it’s gonna tighten around the limb. So yeah, don’t do it if you think that there’s gonna be a lot of pulling on it. But you know, for just binding them together, yeah, that that was great.
Franklin: That’s like the time that Bunny picked me up at the airport when I flew out to London to meet her and she was wearing a couple of scarves. And so when she met me at the airport, she blindfolded me with one of them and bound my wrists together with the other one, and then led me through customs, bound and blindfolded, and led me onto the London Underground, bound and blindfolded. And we ended up going back to her place that way.
Joreth: Yeah, scarves are great. I recommend not using silk. I know everybody who’s read THAT BOOK thinks of like silk ties and silks scarves, but those are actually really dangerous because of how they slip. And they tend to slip and tighten. So other materials. Cotton scarves are great for blindfolds and for non-tightening restraints.
Eunice: I mean, just in general having scarves with you can be really great because I always, always take one of those wide, like, Pashmina style scarves with me. That’s like just soft and comforting. And if someone is having a scene and then like the scene stops and they’re kind of, they’re getting a little shocky or they’re, you know, hitting a drop, they’re really good to just wraps someone around in. And it can be really nice and cozy and warm.
Joreth: Mm-hmm.
Eunice: So if you’re doing like some kind of little play, you know, if there’s some age play involved, you can also use it as like a blanket and a whole bunch of things you can do with scarves.
Joreth: Yes, the lightweight cotton scarves, you can get them wet and you can change the temperature of the water.
Eunice: Mmm-hmm.
Joreth: So you can use some temperature play and you can get them wet and put them in the freezer for a little bit.
Eunice: Ohh, ice. Ice is…yeah. Temperature play.
Joreth: Ice in general.
Eunice: Yeah. Anything cold. I remember it also makes items like knives and things feel a lot sharper. So I remember once, I was playing with someone and I didn’t have any of my knives with me and we’ve sort of talked about a little bit of like sensation play with the knives and stuff. And I ended up throwing one of my metal forks into the freezer for like half an hour before they turned up and blindfolding them so that they didn’t see. And it feels like, you know one of those sharp tines can feel like the point of a knife if it’s cold enough.
Joreth: Mm-hmm. Yes. And ice! They make all kinds of really interesting ice cube shapes now. The different trays and containers. You can make them all different kinds of shapes. One that’s particularly relevant is the one that’s meant to fit the ice cube in your two liter water bottles because it makes these long, thin tubes of ice.
Eunice: Just, you know, be careful how you use ice because ice can stick to the skin, so just, you know.
Franklin: Mm-hmm. Run warm water over it first, if you’re going to use it as an insertable, to get a layer of water on it so that you don’t get the dry frost that actually freezes the skin. Because that’s a bad scene.
Eunice: Yeah. And you know and then next thing you know, you’re propping someone up and tipping warm water into them. And that is not..that’s not the way you want to end your scene. Really. I mean, unless it is, but, I mean…
Franklin: Not to yuck your yum, but that is not a beginner’s scene.
Eunice: No.
Joreth: You do not want to unintentionally create the scene from A Christmas Story, where he gets his tongue stuck to the pole.
Eunice: Yes, yes, that’s that’s not a pole, and that’s not his tongue.
Joreth: Yeah. So some other items that we have on the list. We’ve mentioned daggers, various knives. Loofahs, going back to things from the shower. Loofahs make really interesting sensations. Candles are good, but it is better if you look at the type of candle, if you know what kind of candle, because different types of candle materials, from beeswax to the other kinds of wax, paraffin, et cetera, all have different melting temperature points. So you wanna make sure you get a kind of candle that is not so hot that it actually scalds the skin when it hits. You want a much lower melting point candle. Yeah, but candles are lots of fun.
Franklin: And not just for temperature play too, but you can actually carve the end of it into all kinds of different shapes, and it’s a really, really quick, but also extremely versatile improvised insertion toy.
Joreth: Yeah, especially with the natural beeswax or natural paraffin.
Eunice: Yeah, you do want to be careful of what else is in the candle material, if you’re going to use it as an insertable. And again, also your flared base.
Joreth: Yes, flared bases! Don’t get colored ones or, you know, don’t use ones that are painted, colored, or that have a lot of scent. You know, the oils and chemicals that make the scent. Just because, they don’t react to most people, but they might react. So just don’t.
Franklin: Yeah, basic emergency candles are just plain paraffin with nothing else in them. No scents, no oils, no colorants. And so they’re like, very simple. They’re really, really cheap, which is nice, and they work really well. And they’re going to be safer than, you know, like, taper candles in particular. Taper candles usually have a plastic sheath on the outside that has a much higher temperature, which keeps them from wilting when you burn them, but also if you try to use it for temperature play or wax play…yeah that can get a little dodgy.
Eunice: Yeah, I think my advice is to anyone who is just like picking up cheap candles and doesn’t know the actual burning temperature of this particular candle, because they’ve never tried it before, or because it’s one that doesn’t indicate anything on the packaging, just like a little drop on the inside of your wrist.
Joreth: Yeah.
Eunice: Because then you can determine what temperature it is and you can then work out how high up. Like, it’s not that if it burns at a higher temperature, you can’t use it at all. You just need to lift it higher up, give more time for it to drop, and you’ll be fine.
Joreth: Yeah, it’s basically the baby formula test. If you’re concerned about anything that’s temperature, just touch it to the inside of your wrist. If you can tolerate it, if it’s not too bad, then it’s probably fine. If it’s too much on the inside of your wrist, either rethink that or wait until you get a little more advanced when you can more safely play with the extremes.
Eunice: Yeah.
Joreth: One thing that not a lot of people know is that some essential oils are actually toxic to a lot of our pets, especially dogs. So the things that we burn or that we plug in and that leave the scent in the air, those can actually be harmful to our pets when they breathe. So if you don’t know exactly which ones do what to which animals, it’s just best to leave all of the scented things alone and stick with non-scented items.
Eunice: Yeah.
Joreth: Something else we’ve got on the list is an electric toothbrush. Every time I see this or hear this, it just reminds me of the scene from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend because one of the characters is unaware that he is a straight cis male and everything that implies about lack of technique in the bedroom. So he thinks he’s a good lover, and all of his female coworkers are like, “oh, honey, oh, honey, I guarantee you’re not.” “No, no, I’m totally a good lover. My my wife is very satisfied. She is so satisfied that after every time we have sex, she just goes into the bathroom and she brushes her teeth and I can hear her making all her noises.” And so the coworkers are like “she’s not brushing her teeth, she’s not.” And now, then he ends up with an existential crisis as he realizes what the sound, the vibrating sound from the bathroom, is.
Excerpt from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend:
Such profound humiliation, such all consuming station. The buzzing from the bathroom. Has finally been explained. That was no electric toothbrush, no facial scrub device. And now I finally know the meaning of the words “that was nice.”
Franklin: Oh my God, that’s brilliant.
Eunice: I mean, there is also…I think they’re called, like, tingle tips or something? There’s a specific item that’s made for, let’s just say people who are perhaps a little bit uncertain about getting an actual vibrator. And you can put it onto an electric toothbrush and that turns it into, like, a vibrator sort of tip, right? It’s basically the equivalent of one of the tips of the electric toothbrush. But like with all of the bristles and stuff shaved off and everything like smoothed out, cause you do not want…I guess some people might, but you do not generally want to be putting those bristles against your, like, soft bits, because that is a very distinct and acquired preference. I’ll just leave it there.
Franklin: Yes, and the little rubber tips are actually advertised on Amazon as gum stimulators.
Eunice: That’s not the mucousy membrane that they are stimulating with that. No.
Franklin: You can buy one of those and buy a banana washer at the same time and you have perfect deniability.
Eunice: Yeah, I would love to know who is actually writing the advertising marketing for that.
Franklin: The banana washers really…they slay me. They absolutely slay me. Like, oh, my God. And they actually show people, like using them to wash bananas. And I’m like, Oh my God.
Eunice: That’s no, no, you’re taking it too literally here. Trust me, this is not what most people are buying it for.
Joreth: Again, with that Sex and the City episode, it is a personal massager. Yeah. No, honey, it’s a vibrator.
Eunice: Yeah. I mean, it’s like, if you can’t make it work, you can make it work if you mount it.
Franklin: Oh my God.
Joreth: So another thing we’ve got on the list is the liquid latex, which…
Franklin: So much fun, so much fun.
Joreth: Yeah, liquid latex is a lot of fun. You could paint on people and be very artistic. The sensation of being covered in liquid latex, especially as it dries because it contracts just a tiny bit.
Franklin: Yes, it shrinks slightly. Yes. It’s like a whole body hug that you take it away from.
Joreth: There is a reason why latex, just the word latex, is its own kink.
Franklin: Yes.
Eunice: Mm-hmm.
Joreth: Pulling the latex off…
Eunice: Ohh yeah. I would love to…I know you do it, but I would love to actually create a latex dress. Like actually form a latex dress so that I can wear it, and so that I can have one that conforms to my body exactly. Like the act of creating it is in itself very pleasurable.
Franklin: Mm-hmm.
Joreth: Yes, absolutely. And there is a way to do re-wearable liquid latex. That’s a whole other thing. I’ve got a a tutorial on…I think it’s on both mine and your website, Franklin.
Franklin: Yes, it is on Symtoys dot com too, yes.
Tutorial on making a liquid latex catsuit
Joreth: Liquid latex can be really versatile.
Eunice: It’s amazing how so many things can be so very versatile when you’re looking to totally pervert their original purpose anyway, right?
Eunice: It’s amazing how so many things can be so very versatile when you’re looking to totally pervert their original purpose anyway, right?
Joreth: Earlier in the discussion, we did briefly touch on using food as sex toys. Most of those options, however, tended to be of the hard and carvable kinds for insertion. What about when the inserting happens going in the other direction? All of Franklin’s partners have collaborated over a variety of creative ways to turn various pastries into “banana washer” style sex toys, mostly in ways that make Franklin…let’s say, “uncomfortable.”
For instance, Franklin has a penchant for Boston Cream Donuts, which are a white cake donut with chocolate icing and filled with custard. And like anyone who has not yet learned how to speak to the fae, he deliberately pointed this out to us. I mentioned that, in the US, we also have a bar-shaped donut with chocolate frosting that can come not pre-filled with anything, and so giving the purchaser the opportunity to…modify the donut.
Eunice: So now, dear listeners, a little challenge for you, to help you get into the mindset for perverting all the pervertables: how would you pervert a Boston Creme Donut in ways that would make Franklin give that look of horror and torment that really helps keep the wheels of our joyful little podcast turning? If it’s horrific enough—we’re talking full sensory nightmares and textural skin crawling here—we may see if it’s worth our while to challenge Franklin to replicate it. He can’t resist a challenge, it’s genuinely delightful. Answers on an email. We’ll post up his look of horror if there’s a suitable winner.
Franklin: Just for the record, this is a terrible idea and you should not listen to these terrible people.
Eunice: Ignore him, he has a type and he can’t resist. Sorry, I mean won’t resist.
Joreth: I’m just saying that I literally warned him what would happen if he mentioned the Boston Cream Donut within earshot of the others, and he made a point to do just that.
Eunice: I feel like that counts as consent, at that point.
Franklin: Technically, I was making a point of mentioning that you warned me about that, which is not the same thing, and hardly qualifies as consent at all—at least not to humans rather than fae.
Joreth: I mean, I think that just underscores Eunice’s point there about consent, because you very knowingly brought the subject up. Fully informed consent! So anyway, we could just keep listing more and more things, but at some point a lot of the ideas become mere variations on themes.
Franklin: Like, really, how many things does one need to beat other people with?
Eunice: Well, I think 2 full episodes worth of stuff is probably enough to give a good sense of how to pervert. So just for fun, next episode we’ll move onto DE-pervertables! And if you don’t know what that means, you’ll just have to listen in to find out.
Franklin: Thanks for joining us on this episode! Find us on the web at skepticalpervert dot com, or on Amazon or Libsyn or Spotify or Apple Podcasts or wherever you go for your podcasting goodness. If you liked what you heard in this episode, why not spread the love? Do you have something you’d like to hear us to talk about? Email us at contact@skepticalpervert.com. The Skeptical Pervert is copyrighted by Joreth, Eunice, and Franklin. Editing is done by Joreth, and the website is maintained by Franklin.
Joreth: And remember, if you can’t use it for sex, you’re not trying hard enough. Or at least, not shoving hard enough.
Eunice: Or using enough lubrication slime. Or enough tapioca. In fact, I guarantee you’re not using enough tapioca, Franklin.
Franklin: I have no idea what you’re referring to. Also, remember folks, this is what happens when you date the Fair Folk. Let my experience be a warning to you all!
Eunice: I mean, it’s not like Franklin’s gonna listen to his own advice, so someone should.
Franklin: There is no God.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
